Have You Been Drinking?

So please don’t ask me if I’ve been drinking….

Please don’t ask me if I’ve been drinking, because the answer is yes

I’ve been gulping and swallowing my sorrows, my pains, my struggles, my insecurities

And I’ve been gulping and swallowing your sorrows, your pains, your struggles, your insecurities…

Yes I’ve been drinking

Drinking because if I didn’t look the way I do, I’m not sure I’d have more than a single friend

I definitely wouldn’t have my current boyfriend, who’s about to break up with me, or my friends who are always down to take selfies

I wouldn’t have my followers or kind compliments

I wouldn’t have any attention

So I’d have no one to notice if something is wrong… not that anyone typically does anyway

So yes, I’ve been drinking

And smiling

Smiling when people ask how I’m doing. Smiling when I pass someone in the hallway. Smiling at my phone when I read something funny.

Smiling and laughing around people but when I go home it’s dark and scary

Dark and scary

Dark and scary

I feel suicide I feel anger I feel suppression I feel death

I feel so many things

Could it be because I’m empathetic and I’m taking on other peoples things? So could both my empathy and beauty be a curse?

The weight of carrying other peoples emotions and the weight of carrying my guilt and confusion when I do not know what they are?

Could it be? Could it?

Now I’m confused because I’ve been drinking… now I’m confused because I thought I’d been loving… I thought I’d been loved

Now I’m confused because my boyfriend literally told me I’m the woman from his dreams that he will be with forever but todaytold me I’m not the right partner for him

Now I’m confused because the same family who never defended me when I was being treated poorly or unfairly wants to talk to me all the time now that I’m gone

Now I’m confused why the weight of the painful, comparing words from my childhood now have manifested into physical weight… pounds on my body and pounds around my waist

Now I’m confused because why did no one tell me my mother was dying? And why was she in Nashville when she did?

Now I’m confused because I’m hungry but I’m sad and don’t want to eat

Now I’m confused because I know I should be taking care of myself but why are the things we should do so hard sometimes?

Now I’m confused because I’ve been drinking

And I no longer know who I am outside of my childhood and teen trauma from my family. Or outside of the outside perception others have of me…

Which is? What might be?

Im beautiful, kind, funny, nice…

Yes…. I’ve been drinking.

But probably not enough.

Maybe I should drink more

And maybe next time I vow to drink more, I’ll also vow to swallow some pills. A medium amount… not too little to end up sick but not too many to die or end up physically damaged. Maybe just enough to go unconscious and get more attention.

Because you know I’ve been drinking, but do you know why?