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PUBLIC X-RAY

An X-Ray of my emotions and deeply personal dramas on display

For anyone who wishes to view

In a culture where someone else’s drama and problems

Are more fulfilling than food an water to the emaciated…


I relive the feelings that displayed public X-Ray day by day

In many different ways

Each emotion

As if starring down one thousand needles surrounding only one straw of hay


Each relived second

Sucks away one more breath that I do not have to spare

These stressful relived seconds

They weaken my pulse

They thin my hair


All of my personal details

Now are not only mine to bare

But merely a spectacle for others


Have I ever felt so exposed?

No

For these things that were put-on for show

I do not even face alone…


What is more insane?

Whats more scary?

Than to be completely exposed


To others who are hungrier for nothing more than to use anything they can against you

Your exposure alone

More fulfilling than food and water to the emaciated…


Each day I review and relive one or many parts

Whether I am feeling the drama all over again, causing a light head and fluttery heart

Or feeling the embarrassment of my entire reputation being ripped apart


I am on display.


At least if I were to write everything down in a book

Or publish my most intimate photos an expressions

It would be my choice


But I have experienced people exposing everything about me

Through their own heinous and vulgar voice

Not mine…

Nickles and dimes…

My drama and perceived shame now an accepted currency amongst peers

For the further I seem to fall, the more they advance in their games


What I have felt in a few months

The emotional turmoil, ups and downs

Most do not have the capacity to feel even if spread over many many years


Tell me, what is to be gained by a lie?

Possibly more time?

Time was something I so desperately craved

Looking at a working clock

The second hand never stops

I asked it, “Why?”

To which I got no answer other than the same mundane ticking noise that will always fill

The quiet of silent rooms and silent thoughts

I think we all know the loud noise

Of even the most quiet ticks and tocks


What is to be gained by public shame?

Who exactly wins in this game?

People who I don’t even know…

Their mouths filled with my name


I’d given up drinking for several months

Feeling I’d never go back to alcohol fueled days of numbing pain

Mornings of hangovers spent in a haze…


But finally, at last

Tonight, at last

These seconds, at last

I drink wine

Plotting out how to reclaim what was one mine


There is something beautiful in personal accountability and ownership

But something stronger when it has been forced

When you’ve been given no time

The fire of your anger lighting a new, unforeseen path

A blazing torch


Disciplinary actions making me cry

Executive decisions made on the fly


Commanding energy keeping my head held high


I will reclaim what was once mine.


You can put my Xray of emotions on display

Whether you are eager for entertainment or leading others to learn lessons

So you claim…


I can handle anything you do and more

Honestly, your attempts to shame me are foreseeable

So, I yawn because I am now bored

I know it bothers some

That I never lost my dignity

That they could not take away my integrity or pride

Yes, there was pain and sadness and hurt in each and every cell of my eyes

Yes, my they watered and the water fell down my cheeks and my chin

But do not take my tears as your win


Behind the tears I cried…

Through my shaking voice I plea…


These things I need you to answer me:

That by trying to pummel me into the ground…


Did you forget that the purpose of a seed exploding from the inside out is to grow?

Did you forget that I love attention and that this is my show?

Did you forget that there is nothing you could tell me, about me, that I don’t already know?

Did you forget that I can only reach the highest peaks, after experiencing the lowest lows?

Did you forget that David and Goliath once went toe to toe?


What you used for your entertainment became my evolution


So, my Xray of emotions on display for anyone to view

Became the ultimate art exhibit

Showcasing various patterns and vibrant hues



A mere peak into my life

All left to personal interpretation


I know that my ability to emote and feel is the most authentic thing about me…

So the next time you put my X-Ray of emotions on display,

Please at least let me sign the corner of the copy

So as to avoid stealing something that was never yours to begin with

(a.k.a. COPYRIGHTING!)



Taylor J

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